Enmity of Post Symposium
by Captain Vulcan
Summary: Akyuu has garnered quite a few reactions from that book she wrote recently. Too bad Seiga Kaku has a negative reaction about it. Will the adorable chronicler survive the night?


That Symposium of Post-mysticism is a pretty interesting book, isn't it?

**STORY RATING: PG-13/T for Teens –** For language and comic mischief.

**DISCLAIMER: **The Touhou Project/Project Shrine Maiden is the rightful property of ZUN. Obviously, the man worked hard to be as successful as he is today. From games to music videos, parodies, and even an article on TV Tropes and the hilarious feature on CNN... it seems no one is safe.

**FTR (FOR THE RECORD): **I am not bashing SoPM/Touhou Gumon Kuju in any way. I am merely parodying some of the facts from said book. As a matter of fact, I think there should be a petition for the book to be released in international bookstores (along with PMiSS and the official mangas). Then again… that may be a bad idea.

So… please don't take this seriously. I was mad bored.

**TOUHOU PROJECT**

**Enmity of Post-symposium**

Seiga giggled, placing a basket of fruit on picnic table. "Come children, here are the refreshments for today. You all have been playing rigorously." She sat down at the table and gazed at the violet of the dusky sky. It was Miyako's favorite color once, back when she was alive.

The children cheered and gathered at the table. There were six of them, with the youngest being four and the oldest child being fifteen. "Thank you for the treats, miss Seiga," said the oldest child – a dark-haired girl with wide eyes and freckles on her cheeks. Grabbing a navel orange, she said "We almost ran on the path to the Magical Forest today."

"Yea, we saw a youkai carrying a dead deer," a slightly younger boy said. "Maybe that youkai wanted it for dinner or something."

"Of course it wanted to kill it for food," the eldest child said. "It was hungry! And it's kinda gross. Who in their right mind would want to kill something as beautiful as a deer?"

"It's simply the way how things go," Seiga assured, slicing a green apple. "Such is the cycle of life and death – or _samsara _as you call it." _Yes children, a reward awaits all of you on the day you die. You will become mine and I will love you forever!_

"But – miss Seiga," the eldest child refused to accept the harshness of reality. "This is a deer we're talking about. Deer are cute, innocent… and furry!"

Seiga sighed. "Cruelty reigns this world, child. The praiseworthy may gain nothing in his/her lifetime but the undeserving gains everything. Parents kill their children and children kill their parents. War is the most glorified commodity on earth. The end is…"

"But – the poor deer!"

"Life goes on," Seiga continued. "Mortality is cruel and unfair. Why, when I was living in Siberia the white tiger was poached for its fur and blood for medicine, fashion, and profit. Too many, the white tiger is considered a god – it's a beautiful beast to be sure, but that didn't stop it from being hunted over the years. Grieve-worthy, yes, but it is painfully simple: everyone and everything has a purpose in the universe. To truly acknowledge and understand that fact is the way of enlightenment."

"Ooh…" the girl drawled, letting the jasen's words sink in. She turned on her seat and took a glance at the face of the Human Village. They were at a small park just outside the village and the adults deemed it safe for their children. As long as the park is visible from the market square, there was no need to fear for their children's safety. Besides, Keine often relaxed here. The voluptuous teacher once said that the park was a safe haven from the daily stress of the village and the dangers of Youkai Forest. The park provided an excellent view of the mountain. "You're very wise, Seiga-san." The girl said, turning to face the improper hermit. "In fact, I think that you're wiser than even the village elders. You're nice to everyone and you don't act all self-righteous like the elders." She frowned. "I'm getting tired of being called 'young and dumb' by that mean ole Kirisame-san."

"I guess everyone goes through that phase in life," Seiga considered. "The youth and the elderly have more things in common than you think."

The freckle-faced child peeled her orange. "I'll take your word for it. Still, I have to say that you're far nicer than what I've recently read in a book."

"A book you say?" Seiga's interest was piqued. "Tell me more."

"Yea, the book was written by Akyuu Heida herself," the girl revealed with a nervous look gaining her expression. "And… there's an entry dedicated to you, miss Seiga."

Glittering stars filled the eyes of the sub-Celestial. "Really? Oh-ho-ho-ho! What does it says, child?"

The girl went into her billowy sleeves and retrieved a booklet with a cute picture of Reimu Hakurei on it. "Here, take a look for yourself." She handed the book to her ghost-like benefactor and resumed peeling her orange sheepishly.

"Hmm… _Touhou Gumon Kuju_, eh? Has a nice ring to it." Seiga commented, checking the table of contents. "This book has nice artwork, too. The artist managed to make that Hijiri woman seem non-sinister. That is an astonishing feat." She skimmed the pages to her article and gasped. "By Laozi's wisdom, what is this blasphemy! ?"

The eldest child can understand Seiga's shock. "She interviewed you, right? What made her wrote something like that?"

Seiga's eyes narrowed, scaring the children a bit. "The better question is how in all the hells did she garnered such an impression from me? We were both calm and sociable during the interview! Plus, I made her tea! And this wasn't any ordinary tea, either! It was a special recipe made by my relatives from Huizhou! How dare she?"

Thunder rumbled in the overcast sky.

"We should return to our families, ma'am," said the girl as she gathered her friends to leave the park. "Would you like to borrow the book for a while?"

"No," Seiga replied harshly, biting her thumbnail. "I've read enough of this accursed book."

Freckles retrieved her book and bowed. "I'm sorry to hear that, miss Seiga."

A jaded expression marked Seiga's face. She grabbed another apple from the basket and crushed it. "Think nothing of it. I'll be sure to schedule another meeting with Akyuu and discuss the details of my article like responsible adults." She suddenly chuckled coldly. _Adult – my ass! I'm going to give that grape-head brat a piece of my mind!_

"Well, we'll be seeing you. Have a good evening," the girl waved and hastily returned to the village with her peers.

After the kids were gone, Seiga gritted her teeth and her eyes dilated in fury. "A good evening, indeed… the child chronicler has much to worry about." Thunder rumbled in the heavens again and it begins to rain. "Oh dear, I should leave as well. Good thing I got this." She reached under the picnic table and grabbed a large eggplant colored umbrella. It was very eccentric in design; bearing a large tongue and a single eye… but Seiga wasn't bothered by its appearance. "Now it's time to be on my merry way to the Heida household."

"Uuuu…" someone cried.

"Oh," Seiga rounded a nearby tree and grinned at the cute girl that was bound to it. "Thanks for the umbrella, child. It really did make it easier for me to socialize with those kids."

"This isn't fair!" Kogasa whined. "Why must bad things happen to me in these stories?"

"You've been around Hina recently?"

"No." Kogasa sniffed.

"Ooh…" Seiga frowned. "That means the author of this story is just being a downright prick to you, then. I can't help you there, sweetie."

A huge question mark suddenly appeared over the cute karakasa's head. "…What?"

Seiga amended her slip-up with a coquettish giggle. "Nevermind… I'm taking your umbrella, toots."

"NOOO!" Kogasa cried, wriggling against her bonds. "That umbrella is my life! Without it, I have no reason to live! WAAAH!"

"Okay, cry me a river. I didn't even know it was that bad." Seiga commented, tying the umbrella onto Kogasa's body. "Sheesh, you youkai are a strange bunch." She turned from her heterochromatic captive and glided towards the village. "Take care now, Cutie-Pie!"

Kogasa was happy to be reunited with her umbrella but… she forgot ONE minor detail. "Wait! Untie me!"

"Not interested," Seiga deadpanned. "Going about my business now."

As Seiga vanished from her sight, Kogasa sighed. "Well… seeing that I'm with you again, this isn't so bad." She said to her umbrella. She was suddenly struck by lightning. "KYAAAH!" Her entire being was now coal black. "Okay… maybe not."

**HIEDA PALACE – Hours Later**

Akyuu sighed. The interviews with Hatate, Kasen, and Tenshi bore no glaring impressions at this time. All three of them left during the middle of their interviews for some reason. Hatate said something about the entries that Akyuu wrote would make those of the Bunbunmaru look legit. The beautiful Kasen dismissed herself because she had an incident to resolve and Tenshi left because she was plain bored. Maybe she should arrange a meeting with the youkai oarfish from heaven? Iku seems patient enough. The chronicler closed her dairy after jotting her concerns for the said women. _It's pretty late, anyway. I should be getting a little rest soon, _she thought. She offed the candles with her fingertips and approached the nearest window. The pitch black sky flashed with sporadic bolts of lightning – providing a natural light show.

"It's past your bedtime…" sang Seiga with her head peeping from a nearby wall.

"YAAAH!" Akyuu shrieked as she fell on her butt. Realizing who it was, she blushed in embarrassment. "Don't scare me like that!"

"You shouldn't be writing in such dim light, little one." Seiga chided, phasing through the wall. "It's bad for your eyesight."

"Oh, I see…" Akyuu said and rose back on her feet. "What brings you here during this time of night, miss Kaku?"

"Oh-ho, what brought me here, you say?" Seiga cackled, intimidating the Child of Miare. "You mean to tell me that you don't know why I'm here?"

"No…" Akyuu answered honestly.

Seiga narrowed her eyes with an all-knowing smile. "Wrong choice of words on the writer's part… that 'honest answer' should be changed to a 'blatant lie' or 'playing dumb'. Anyway, the reason for tonight's visit is due to a certain issue that I would like to address."

"What do you mean?" Akyuu squeaked, fearful of the jasen's expression.

"That book you wrote – _Gumon Kuju_…" Seiga emphasized with quoting gestures. "I demand a recall in order for you to make corrections to my profile."

Akyuu gasped. "You know that I can't do that." Seiga suddenly grabbed her with one hand. "Yipe!"

Seiga lifted the girl and shook her. "Oh yes you are going to make a recall on that filth! You've pretty much labeled me a bitch in it, Child of Miare!"

"Put me down!" Akyuu shrieked. "I'll summon the guards to dispatch you!"

"Oh, you mean those paper-tigers?" Seiga said, pointing down a hallway that contained five unconscious women armed with _naginatas_. "Yea… I dealt with those talentless warriors just a moment ago. Pity I didn't killed any of them, though."

"Wait; there are only five of them." Akyuu wondered. "This place has six guards."

Suddenly, a flaxen haired woman was charging behind Seiga with her spear poised to strike. "Eiiii!"

**PAP!**

"Ugh!"

The woman fell unconscious from Seiga's Bruce Lee-esque back-fist. "You were saying?"

Akyuu gulped. "Uh… help?"

Just as Seiga was about to do what she intend on doing to poor Akyuu, a miracle occurred. "Hold it right there!"

Seiga sighed. "Damn… I knew that this was too good to be true." She gave a glare to the green-haired woman that just arrived through the window. "What do you want, you annoying child?"

"You put her down this instant, Seiga!" Sanae demanded, brandishing her gohei. "It is I who needs to have a talk with Lady Akyuu!"

Akyuu, still being held like a ragdoll, clamped her hands like a distressed princess. "Ooh! Thank you for coming to my rescue, Sanae!"

Sanae suddenly pouted. "Rescue you! ? No, I'm here to confront you!"

"…What?" Akyuu and Seiga chorused.

Sanae pointed her gohei at the grape-haired antagonist dramatically. "How dare you call me dumb and disoriented in that book of yours? I lack knowledge from the outside world? That's ridiculous, Akyuu! You just don't know what I'm talking about when I present such knowledge!"

Akyuu face-palmed. "For the last time, Sanae, Twilight isn't literature! And I'm sure that there are no such things as shining vampires!"

"Oh yea?" Sanae challenged, pulling out a pink oval-shaped object from her pocket. "Since you're more knowledgeable of the outside world than I am, then tell me what this is!"

Seiga brought her free hand to her mouth. "Oh dear…"

"It's a whoopee-cushion," Akyuu deadpanned.

Sane blushed, realizing she pulled out the wrong device. "Oops! You did not just saw that." She went into her pockets again and pulled out a handheld device. "Tell me what this is, then!"

"I'm not sure," Akyuu admitted. "But there's a label on the front of it that identifies it as a 'PS Vita.'"

That was another slip on Sanae's long resume of screw-ups. "D'OH!"

"Please don't hurt yourself," Seiga suggested at the godling's growing frustration.

"Ooh~!" Sanae huffed, red-faced. "And you even had the audacity to doubt my power of miracles! That was pretty much an insult!"

"Miracles, you say?" Seiga wondered, relinquishing Akyuu. "Do you mean long-winded magic spells and cheap parlor tricks? Sorry, sweetie, I've seen a fair share of 'miracles' over the years. And let me tell you right now, such miracles are nowhere near the actual definition. You're just out to make a profit out of one's ignorance."

"Umm!" Akyuu nodded, agreeing with the jasen's harsh words.

Sanae narrowed her amber eyes. "If it is indeed profiting off of ignorance as you call it, then you may as well say that applies to people from the outside world. I'm telling you everyone is like this."

"Umm!" Seiga shrugged in confirmation. "That's a mighty accurate depiction of her, Child of Miare. I've actually saw the very same quote in the book. I'm impressed."

"Humph, told you so…" Akyuu remarked.

"Hey! That was just plain ole mean!" Sanae whined. "And why am I depicted as a pettenko in that book anyway? Of course, I have to commend the artist for capturing my girlish good looks to a tee but I still wonder why I'm as flat as a washboard." Sanae opened her blouse a bit, providing a view of her bountiful cleavage. "I'm a D-Cup for Kanako's sake!"

"Grr…" Akyuu growled, green-eyed with jealousy.

"How… trivial of you," Seiga commented. "And I suggest you should wear a bra if you know what's good for you. They'll start sagging by the time you're… what – eighteen?"

"I'm eighteen now!" Sanae reprimanded, sealing her blouse.

"Well – by the time you're nineteen, then." Seiga murmured. "And let's not forget back pains. Ooh… they're a killer."

"Ah… excuse me," a pleasant voice said. "It's a little messy out here. Is anyone still conscious?"

Seiga recognized the voice and frowned. "Yes… for the moment."

"Please come on in," said Akyuu. "You'll have to excuse the mess a certain visitor just made."

Sanae suddenly gasped and brought her hand over her mouth, cheeks puffed. "Pfft!"

Seiga cackled. "Fufufufuf…"

Even Byakuren was laughing as she entered the room. "Hahaha… such innuendo."

"What?" Akyuu wondered.

"You've walked right into that one." Sanae giggled. "And you call me dumb."

Akyuu pouted and her eyes adopted a glossy sheen. "Now you're the one being mean."

"Ladies, enough with the negativity already," Byakuren chided. "Besides, I would like to have a word with little Akyuu myself."

"You too?" Akyuu gasped.

"You're getting a lot of heat, toots." Seiga commented.

"I'm afraid so." Byakuren replied as she stepped in between the three girls. "You see, there seems to be quite a few misinterpretations in the book-"

"It's bothering you too?" Akyuu interrupted with her heart beating at a machinegun rate. She cursed the day that she even thought of _Gumon Kuju_. "I… have a lot to answer for, don't I?"

"You better believe your cute whittle head." Seiga quipped in a dumb-dumb type of voice.

Byakuren knelt in front of the chronicler and gently cupped her hands. "Akyuu…"

Akyuu battered her long eyelashes cutely. "Y-yes?" She stammered.

"Please forgive me for antagonizing you, but… what you've written about me really hurt my feelings." Byakuren explained, looking vulnerable. "A terrible misunderstanding has befallen me once again. Apparently, you deem me unreliable and even though I lived in Makai once, I am not at all demonic. I've learned a great deal of magic while in Makai to be sure, but they are not for ill-will. My teacher was indeed a demon, but she was not an evil-spirit. Would an evil spirit take me in and treat me as though as I am her daughter?"

Akyuu hung her head. "No…" _Her hair smells so nice._

"Of course not," Byakuren assured while gently squeezing Akyuu's hand. "The bond that my teacher and I had was even stronger than those who are related by blood. She comforts me during my time of need. She was my mother in spirit. The love she had for me was unconditional."

"So that figuratively makes you Alice's sister?" Sanae chirped. "Wow, the goddess of Makai sounds like a very nice person."

The youkai abbess gave the godling a curious look. "Excuse me, who's Alice? I never met her." She prodded her chin thoughtfully with a cute look on her face. "Although my teacher used to make constant references to an old tale entitled 'Alice in Wonderland'. And the odd thing is, the story drove her to tears before."

Seiga gave a faux-applause. "Well isn't that sweet? Who would have guessed that the devil of Myourenji was a Mama's Girl?"

"Hmm…" Hijiri stood up abruptly, her voluptuous bosom bouncing enticingly under the black-white fabric of her outfit. She approached the jasen with an ominous aura while smiling sweetly. "That's a pretty interesting turn of phrase, dear hermit. Yet, coming from a supposed Celestial, those are very vexing words."

"I can destroy evil spirits, too." Seiga warned the abbess. "But, unlike the young senin of Youkai Mountain, I am nowhere near as merciful."

"It would appear that you're weary of this plane of existence, my friend." Hijiri retorted, still smiling kindly. "Perhaps I can depart you to the next one."

"I've heard that before, child." Seiga remarked, unfazed by the bigger, taller woman. "But you're welcomed to try where many have failed. It makes no difference to me."

Akyuu sensed the growing tension with frightened eyes. "Please calm down you two!"

And then, another guest appeared. "Akyuuuu~!" A nasally voice shouted.

The grape-head nodded helplessly. "Can this night get any worse?"

"Akyuu! I know you're up," the voice continued. "You have to be because all of your guards are already dealt with!"

"Perhaps she has been kidnapped," a second voice said – this one sounded younger and coquettish. "Or maybe she has been killed by a youkai or a ninja?"

"Enough of your pessimistic guesses, Big Sister!" Minoriko Aki chided as she entered Akyuu's quarters. "And why are you thinking that way in the first place?"

A younger-looking woman trailed behind the autumn goddess. "Please, Little Sister, the way that you're stressing over trivial things are going to have adverse effects on your long-term health." Shizuha commented, nodding sagely. "You can grow very ill – or worse, die from stress."

Minoriko grunted, not appearing to be the younger sibling at all. Even though she was younger than Shizuha by (supposedly) decades, Minoriko looks much older. "How can you be so calm while talking about death like that? I never understood that about you."

"Death is the ultimate fairness." Shizuha said, taking a seat on the middle of the floor and adopting a meditative pose. "It is a part of everything and what-not. The earth can only support so many lives at once."

"Oh wow!" Sanae's eyes were glittered with stars. "You totally quoted that from Anubis off of Gargoyles!"

"Ah," the doll-faced divinity grinned. "I've actually know Anubis personally. He's a really nice guy once you get to know him."

"For the last time, Big Sister," Minoriko seethed. "You have never met Anubis! He is the Egyptian god of demise!"

"My dear dear baby sister… you're oblivious to many things." Shizuha remarked calmly. "I've last encountered him long before you were born."

Minoriko took a deep breath and exhaled. "Just… stop talking, Shizuha."

Byakuren waved at the fertility goddess. "Good evening."

Seiga crossed her arms with an amused smirk. "You sure can't choose the people in your family."

"On the blood…" Minoriko agreed. "That is so true."

Akyuu approached the goddess cautiously. "Let me guess: you're upset about your article in _Gumon Kuju, _correct?"

"Unbelievably…" Minoriko admitted. "I am NOT jealous of Shizuha's … sense of beauty." She glances over at her elder sibling for a moment. Shizuha met her gaze and gave her a wink. "Grr…" _She's so pretty! It's not fair!_

"Shitballs…" Akyuu harshly whispered, earning a motherly glare from Hijiri. "I mean, shoot!"

"There-there…" Byakuren giggled, patting the chronicler's head. "Little adorable girls like you shouldn't even utter such fowl language in the first place."

"That's right Little Bit," Minoriko agreed.

"I'm not little! I'm sixteen years old!" Akyuu whined.

"Golly, you're sixteen?" Shizuha asked with piqued interests. "Wow-wee, you don't have that much longer to go before you kick the bucket, huh? Seeing that you're a Child of Miare and all…"

Tears leaked down from Akyuu's eyes. The truth hurts… "Uuuh-hu-hu-hu-huuuuu~!"

"SHIZUHA!"

"What?"

"Quit it with the pessimistic act already!" Minoriko yelled, cradling the sobbing chronicler in her arms.

"I'm just telling the truth." Shizuha shrugged. "And it sets you free – free from this hateful world."

"I don't want to die!" Akyuu sobbed.

"I can help you with that." Seiga suggested.

"How curious… you're offering her to become an undead subject of yours or perhaps a jaded hermit like yourself?" Byakuren said.

"You watch your mouth, demonic scum." Seiga hissed.

"Rather a demon than to be a precluded Celestial," Hijiri countered.

"Okay, you're really pushing your luck, sister!"

"Hmm-hmm…" Hijiri giggled. "Do unto others as they do unto you."

"Well this is an interesting development." Shizuha said, regarding the abbess and hermit that were at odds with one another. "It appears that we have a little standoff between two super-mortals. I dunno who to root for, though."

"Ugh! Would you stay out of this?" Seiga told the elder goddess. "Mind your own business, you old leaf-sweeper!"

Shizuha gasped. "Haaaah~! ? You ARE a bad person!"

At that moment, Akyuu whipped her head away from Minoriko's belly to regard Shizuha. "Yes, I told you so," she sniffed. "I'm glad I'm not the only one who noticed!"

"Who asked you?" Seiga said, threatening Akyuu with a fist. She turned back to Shizuha. "As for you, leaf painter, I'll show you how bad I can be!"

"Whatever, meanie – your power sounds unimpressive, by the way." Shizuha taunted. "I mean, c'mon, 'the ability of the extent of passing through walls'? That's laughable!"

"Oh, and 'the ability of the extent of governing autumn leaves' isn't?" Seiga parried. "The pot calls the kettle black, much?"

"Hey! I'm the symbol of death in Gensokyou!" Shizuha proclaimed. "How cool is that? It certainly sounds much better than a wannabe ghost who looks like Nitori!"

Seiga rolled her eyes. "And you're the least popular character in Touhou."

Shizuha stood on her feet, furious. "Heed my words! No matter how many times you cheat death, super-mortal, you will surely die one day! It's only a matter of when!"

"Uuuuuh-hu-hu-hu-huuuuuu!" Akyuu and Hijiri sobbed.

"Wait, what?" Minoriko wondered in confusion as the lovely abbess was now crying onto her along with Akyuu.

"Well – you're a Stage 1 Mid-boss!" Seiga shrieked.

"Oooh!" Sanae instigated.

Shizuha's wide eyes narrowed cutely with a pout. "Touché…"

"Lady Hieda, this is a very good book you have written." Satori said as she entered the room with a book in tow. "The upper world is filled with so many strange and fascinating people."

Seiga gasped. "Oh crap. The mind-reader's here. Clear your heads." _Nyan-nyan-nyan-nyan! Nyan-nyan-nyan-nyan! Nyan-nyan-NYAN-NYAN-NYAN-nyan-nyan-nyan!_

_That young youkai looks pretty cute with glasses, _Minoriko thought. _She has that coquettish… loli thing going on. Maybe she can give Big Sister a run for her money in the cuteness department._

Satori blushed. The fertility goddess admired her somewhat.

_Well, at least someone appreciates my work, _thought Akyuu. "Ah. I'm glad to hear it Lady Komeiji." Akyuu said as she rubbed her eyes. "Did you find the information in it reliable?"

"Of course," the oddly excitable satori replied. "I had no idea that the storm goddess of the mountain was a human once. I never suspected that."

Sanae noticed something different about the Queen of Old Hell. _Is it just me or is it that she's… curvier than I remembered?_

A smirk claimed Satori's lips and she abruptly turned to look at Sanae. "Good evening, Sanae. Long time, no see."

Sanae's eyes widened with realization. _OMG! I was right! She just jiggled! Satori-chan has boobs! _"Ah – It's good to see you again, Satori." Sanae bowed.

"Yes, it has been a glorious couple of nights for me." Satori said pleasantly, she made sure to let the godling see her chest jiggle again.

There was a trickle of blood on Sanae's nose. _She's good…_

_I am immortal. I will never die. I am immortal. I will never die! _Byakuren's mind ranted, her eyes red with tears. _I am immortal. I am beyond death's reach!_

Satori appeared particularly worried for the abbess' sanity. "Okay…"

"Oh, hello there," Shizuha greeted. "So you're the terrifying girl that reigns in abandoned hell that I've heard so much about? Though I have to say… I don't see anything particularly frightening about you. You're as cute as a kitten, child. What gives?"

"Shi-zu-ha!" Minoriko grunted at the audacity of her sibling's bluntness. "She's the ruler of Chireiden! Show her some respect!"

"I am showing her respect," Shizuha remarked. "But since I am a higher being, she should respect me as well."

"Ah ha… you certainly have a point." Satori giggled sheepishly. _How come I'm not reading any thoughts from her? This is strange. _"It is an honor to meet your acquaintance."

Sanae suddenly caught the sight of a mouse entering the room. "Hey Akyuu, I didn't know you have pet mouse."

"I don't." Akyuu replied, confused.

Shizuha seemed particularly nervous. "M-mouse?"

"Oh, that's right." Satori said as the mouse approached her. "This little guy followed me all the way fro-"

Shizuha unleashed a scream that can wake the dead after she saw the mouse. "KYAAAAAAAAAAAH~!"

Minoriko suddenly recalled her sister's phobia of mice. "Quick! Get him out of her before Shizuha-"

Shizuha immediately snatched Akyuu and began swinging at the scattering mouse like a club. "Kyaaah! Kill it! Kill it! KILL IT!"

"HELP ME!" Akyuu pleaded helpless after the elder goddess smashed the nearby fish tank with her head. Shizuha continued pursuing the mouse while swinging Akyuu like a madwoman. "For the love of the eight million gods - HELP MEEEE!"

"Die vermin!"

**SMASH!**

"No! Don't hurt the little guy!" Satori cried.

"I'm going to destroy you, you disgusting little bastard!" Shizuha cussed, swinging Akyuu at a bookshelf when the mouse hid among the books in it. "RAAARGH!"

**CRASH!**

"Stop it Big Sister! You're going to wreck this temple apart!"

"YAAAAH! DIE! DIE! DIE! GRRAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!"

**CRASH!**

**BASH!**

**BANG! **

**BOOM!**

"Oh well," Seiga shrugged. "I'm out of here."

"You're not going to help the rest of us with Shizuha?" Sanae asked.

"Nope. My mission's pretty much accomplished." Seiga revealed. "That little brat got what she deserved – hilariously so. So now I'm off to find something more interesting to do."

Sanae's eyebrows were checkmarks. "That was cold."

"Fufufu… I know," Seiga chuckled sinisterly. "I have a particularly bad personality, remember?" The Wicked Hermit etched a hole in a nearby wall and left the scene. She was satisfied. Akyuu and her abode were at the mercy of a rampaging goddess of demise. This was a better outcome than she bargained for.

**HAKUREI SHRINE – Four Days Later**

"Umm…" Reimu nodded, skimming through the second edition of Gumon Kuju. In her honest opinion some of the articles were much more accurate than before. She was impressed. "Hmm…" she mused aloud. "Is that right?"

"Yo Reimu!" Marisa greeted as she slowly descended on the shrine's terrace with her broom. "What'cha readin'?"

Reimu held up the book for her longtime friend to see. "This."

"You're still reading that?" Marisa wondered as she sat cross-legged on the veranda next to Reimu. "Personally, the only thing interestin' about the book were the meetings we conducted. I can't say the same for the interviews with Akyuu, though. Knowing her, she would write some far-fetched stuff about ya."

"This is the second edition," replied Reimu. "It's actually a reprint of the original. Some of the records have been changed and they are damn interesting."

"Really? Well, what does it says about Sanae?"

"It states that she's mentally unstable." Reimu said, unable to repress her mirth. "And it also states that it is best not to communicate with her because her _arahitogami _heritage is too much for her simple mind to process."

"Wow… that's pretty harsh."

"And get this: her miracles are nothing but parlor tricks, after all." Reimu giggled. "I know that kinda describes Sane to a tee but I wonder what has gotten into Akyuu."

"Uwah!" Marisa caught something interesting about Byakuren in the book. "The Youkrist is sensitive? And a Mama's Girl, too? Who would have ever thought?"

"I know, right? Also, Minoriko Aki is quick-tempered and Shizuha is indeed a goddess of destruction." Reimu stated. "That's just plain crazy!"

"Yea… the more you know." Marisa removed her hat, revealing a black cat sleeping on her head.

The Hakurei Miko was surprised by the development. "Marisa, since when did you own a cat?"

"Oi Reimu, didn't you know? There's something about me that even Akyuu didn't find out about." Marisa said. "You, on the other hand, had your suspicions for the last couple of years."

Reimu frowned momentarily at the witch's cryptic words. "What do you mean?" She asked. Then her eyes sudden widened. "Wait. Don't tell me that you've finally-"

"Eyep!" Marisa hopped of the veranda and stood before Reimu. "I'm a full-blown youkai witch now. This little guy up here comes with the territory, da-ze!"

"Whoa! What made you finally decide to make that decision?" Reimu wondered. She gasped when Marisa suddenly began transforming before her eyes. "Suffering Shanghai!"

The no longer Ordinary Witch gave a shrill, terrifying laugh as her skin turned green. Her stomach and backside expanded into ridiculous proportions. Marisa's blonde hair turned grey and a hideous wart appeared on her bell pepper shaped nose. That cat opening its glowing eyes and hissed at Reimu. Lightning flashed from the cloudy skies after she completed her transformation. "Yah hihihihiii! Well, what do ya think, Reimu? Too awesome for ya?" Marisa said in dual haggard and demonic voice. "My Human Threat Level is high now, by the way."

"Holy crap is you ugly," was Reimu's response. "And I'm talking Genji having sex with a tortoise type of ugly! That is top tier ugliness!"

"Meh. It's the price to pay in order to become the Ultimate Witch." Marisa shrugged.

The miko stared at the green-skinned obese woman in disgust. "Now that you're a youkai, what are you planning to do?" She said, her Ying-Yang Orbs suddenly appearing at her side.

"What do you think I'm going to do with this funky look? I'm going to scare the living wits out of everyone in Gensokyou! Yah-hi-hi-hi-hi!" She climbed on her broom after a brief struggle. "Phew… I have to get used to this weight."

Reimu rolled her eyes. "Do tell…"

"Now I'm off to instill fear in people and youkai alike!" Marisa declared. "Shows Akyuu right for not knowing a damn thing about us! Come, Trouble! Let's be on our merry way to terrorize unsuspecting people!"

"Not on my watch!" Reimu challenged. Just as she was about to confront Marisa, something huge fell from the sky.

**BOOM!**

A T-72 tank flattened the Ultimate Witch, her feet jutting out from underneath the Russian-made juggernaut. Hilariously enough, she had on a pair of black-white striped socks.

"Ding-dong! The witch is dead! The witch is dead~!" The Mischievous Fairies sang. They were rejoicing the demise of that unforgivably ugly woman."

Reimu's mouth hung open. "What just happened…?" A hand tapped her shoulder. Once she saw the person behind her, Reimu gasped. "Marisa!"

"Yo," the Ordinary Witch greeted. She glanced at the tank and whistled. "Hoo shit, what happened here? Did this thing fell on someone just now? And what is with those ugly socks? Whoever it is under that thing deserves to be dead wearing them ugly threads!"

Reimu shook her head pathetically in response. "Marisa… I have no idea…"

"Holy crap!" Rika Asakura shouted, hopping out of the tank with a lab coat and a pair of army fatigue cargo pants. "I've actually made this thing teleported! This prototype may very well lead me to world domination! MWAH-HAHAHAHA!"

Hina emerged from the cockpit of the T- 72 and sighed sadly. "So unfortunate…"

**THE END**

_And this is what happens when you're bored outta your mind on a rainy day. I hope Akyuu will make a full recovery soon. Such zaniness! _

_Again, I'm not trying to knock SoPM/Touhou Gumon Kuju. I actually think it's a pretty cool and insightful book (way more so than PMiSS). This little one-shot was meant for shits and giggles so please don't take any of the jokes to heart. Speaking of, because of the book Seiga Kaku is now one of the most awesome characters in all of Touhou! I mean, she dons on a fake Santa suit and steals from the rich and gives to the poor (or so I'm told)._

_Also, SoPM was on point about Nue Houjuu. She always looked like a tough chick to deal with._

_And so, we put this little tale behind us. See ya later, readers. _

_Peace!_


End file.
